Adoption

Loving Someone Else’s Child
by Katrina L. Cassel

How many times have you heard someone say they don’t think they could adopt because they couldn’t love someone else’s child? While we understand what they mean, we, as adoptive parents, know that the children we adopt are someone else’s children biologically, but in all other respects they are our own children. We are the ones to bandage their cuts, take them for immunizations, drive their car pools to school and sign parent permission forms.

Even though these adopted children are ours, there are issues that we have to face, especially if the children are adopted at an older age or are of a different race. Loving someone else’s child is not without its challenges. If you are an adoptive parent or are considering adoption, evaluate these ways to deal with some of those challenges:

Give your child a sense of self. While your child is part of your family unit, he is also an individual person. His interests and talents may be inherited from his birth parents and may differ from yours. That’s okay. Even a biological child's interests and talents differ from his parents'. Your child is an extension of you, but this doesn’t mean he will share all of your interests. Look for areas of common interest and emphasize them, but also encourage his individual talents as well.

Don't shy away from differences. Most people who see me with my children assume I am a home daycare provider. I have two Caucasian children, one biracial child and a Haitian child. We also have an African American foster baby and older foster child. By addressing rather than ignoring our differences, our children are comfortable with the differences. At the same time, we emphasize that we are more alike than different because we share the same emotions, needs, and desires.

Avoid a guilt trip. Maybe you adopt a child and suddenly it's difficult to love someone else’s child. Don’t let it put you on a guilt trip. This difficulty is more common than you think, but most people avoid talking about it. Biological parents have nine months to bond before their children's births. Often adoptive parents don’t have this opportunity. A child is placed with the couple and suddenly they are a family. The bonding may take place quickly, or it may take a while. Not even all biological parents fall in love on sight when their children are born so it’s unrealistic to expect to instantly fall in love with an adopted child.

If you adopt an older, special needs, or troubled child who come with bad habits and emotional baggage, the bonding time may take longer. It may also take longer if an infant looks a lot different than you do or than what you expected. It takes time to get used to these things. You might take one step forward and two steps backward some days. Don’t let the guilt set in. Loving an adopted child is sometimes a challenge. You can still provide for him and nurture him just the same.

Give your child a sense of family. Just as a sense of self is important, a sense of family is also important. Share stories about those on your child’s adoptive family tree. Include pictures of you child in the family album and write his name on the family tree. It may take extended family members a while to accept the child as a “real” family member -- but he is. Refer to him as your child rather than your adopted child. You are not being deceitful; you are celebrating the unique family with which you are blessed!

Resources for adoptive parents:

Adoptive Families. Bimonthly magazine put out by Adoptive Families of America, 2309 Como Ave St. Paul, MN 651 645 9955, $24.95 a year.

Adoption: Parenthood Without Pregnancy by Charlene Canape, Henry Holt and Co. Information about the types of adoption, children available for adoption, raising adopted children and adoption by singles is given.

The Adoption Resource Book by Lois Gilmore, Harper and Row. This book gives all the information families need to get started in the adoption process and advice for raising adopted children.

Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents by Lois Ruskai Melina, Harper Perennial. This book provides support and advice for parents of adopted children such as how to talk to your child about his adoption, how to inform his school and how parents and adopted children bond.

Real Parents, Real Children : Parenting the Adopted Child by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb. The authors, parents of adopted children themselves, give advice about parenting the adopted child, what to expect at different developmental levels and how to talk to children about their adoption story.

Katrina Cassel, M.Ed., lives with her husband, five of their children, and an assortment of pets in the Florida panhandle. Katrina is the author of five books including: Celebrate Creation (Shining Star), The Junior High Survival Guide (Concordia Publishing House), The Christian Girl's Guide to Being Your Best (Legacy Press), and The Christian Girl's Guide to the Bible (Legacy Press, July 03). Coming soon: The Christian Girl's Guide to Knowing Yourself: A Quiz Book for Girls, Just for Me: The Bible, Just for Me: Friends Legacy Press.